We’ve all had those conversations where we are trying to convince someone of our point of view. Sometimes it doesn’t go well.  The other party makes a very convincing argument and to get them back to our side we launch a counteroffensive with the famous words “Yeah, But…”. Beyond being a pet peeve in everyday conversation, that phrase signifies arguing and show one cannot efficiently articulate the discussion in an intelligent manner.

A lot of times, when having persuasive discussions, we get emotionally invested in the topic, impassioned if you will, and we seek validation from this other person through them acknowledging our point of view.  One of the hardest things I ever had to do when coaching someone is to help them in their conversation skills.  I must teach them to silence their internal dialog, their need to emphasis their perspective and listen. Then they can form clear concise counterpoints without getting emotional.  There are ways to do this while maintaining composure and not turning the discussion into an argument, which the phrase “Yeah, but” signifies.

So, what is the big deal?  It’s a common colloquialism in today’s conversation.  Yet as a professional one must be able to articulate their point of view in a clear manner and those two little words say a lot about you if only on a subconscious level and what you think of the other person.

A Reflection on You

You can lead your counterargument with “yeah, but…”.  Just know you are making it clear you want to have the dominant point of view.  It’s a place of control, the last few cards to play to win the argument without having a thought-out response and is usually an impulse.  When you say “yeah, but…” you play the “I agree with you” angle, and immediately switch to “I disagree with you.”  The “but” is an attempt to exert control and attempt to have the last word.  When I hear those words come out of someone, I feel the person is one who doesn’t like to lose and yet hasn’t learned how to make an intelligent response to win me over to their side.  

People who encounter that phrase in reasonable and mature discussions can develop a negative perception of, if only at a subconscious level, the person making the statement as one who discounts another’s point of view or as one who needs to constantly be right, validating to themselves, they are smart.  For example, John is telling Franklin his investment strategies.

John: “I invest heavily in a small portfolio of stocks I hand-picked based on their unique performance. That portfolio has been doing well for me the past few years.”

Franklin: “Yeah, but if you put all your money in S&P Index funds you’ll do better.”

From this conversation, one can see Franklin is asserting he knows the S&P Index investments generally performs well and wants to show John how smart he is with investing. Whether he is knowledgeable or not, we don’t know.  In fact, it sends the message Franklin doesn’t believe John is making the best investment choices for himself.  John would think Franklin is telling him he’s making bad decisions with his investments which could lead to other issues in John’s mind.  John may see Franklin as one who doesn’t respect his point of view. 

In other instances, “yeah, but…” makes you seem like you are challenging the other’s perspective.  Take the example of Addison telling the team a change in corporate policy due to changes in the regulatory environment.  Franklin again offers a differing viewpoint.

Allison: “With the new year, we must make some policy changes which is going to require more work documenting on our part.  This is push down from the senior leaders because it’s essentially law, we will have to do it.”

Franklin: “Yeah, but we don’t have time to do all that with everything else we need to do.”

Here, Franklin appears to be pushing back onto Allison regarding the extra work that is going to be required.  He has a concern regarding the added work and pushing back on the directive.  He is challenging her authority and that of the senior leaders and ultimately the law of the land.  It’s a question Franklin already knows the answer to (“Do it anyway”) and the way he phrased it is his form of pushing back.  In a team environment, this can weaken the relationship between the team and management and again mark Franklin as an argumentative challenging person.  

These are minor examples.  Even though these are trivial issues, they show a lack of empathy on Franklin’s part.  With a little conscious effort, Franklin can turn those into opportunities to grow the conversation and ultimately the relationship which is a goal in managing chaotic situations.

Self-Awareness and Intentional Speaking

The best way to address the “yeah, but…” is to be aware you are doing it first, and then intentionally changing the words to be more empathetic on less confrontational.  The “yeah, but…” is confrontational and pushed against the other side of the conversation.  Simple word alternatives as “yeah, and…” or “yes, however…” can soften the tone and show an interest in the other’s perspective.

For the first conversation, John discusses his portfolio options.  Franklin can respond in a more appropriate manner.

John: “I invest heavily in a small portfolio of stocks I hand-picked based on their unique performance. That portfolio has been doing well for me the past few years.”

Franklin: “Yeah, and how is that working for you?” or “Yeah, and how is that working compared to S&P 500 Index funds?”

Both responses serve to continue the conversation instead of stopping it dead.  It shows in interest in John’s portfolio and his financial choices.  Notice instead of a declarative, it ends with a question, inviting further conversation.  That is one way how you learn about others and build relationships: get them to talk about themselves.

In the second example, Allison tells the team about more work coming their way.  

Allison: “With the new year, we must make some policy changes which is going to require more work documenting on our part.  This is push down from the senior leaders because it’s essentially law, we will have to do it.”

Franklin: “Yeah, we can document everything.  Is it understood the amount of work we are going to have ahead of us to do this, and how does that fit with all the other tasks we have to do?”

Here Franklin acknowledges the directive.  He then asks a question, a valid concern about the workload, in a softer manner.  Franklin isn’t challenging, simply voicing a concern and seeking direction on priorities.  It shows he’s working with the team, including management to accomplish the goals.

Putting it All Together

Conversations are largely effective when empathy is involved.  Conversation coaching is always a challenge as we all have this immediate need to say something without thinking first.  Everyone does it.  Effective communicators think first, if only a split second, before they speak.  And when dealing with chaotic situations, the ability to remain calm and collected, and properly articulate words is important.  While “yeah, but…” is a trivial phrase in the grand scheme of conversation, its systematic of a larger issue of not being empathetic to the other person.  It’s a sign you always must be right.  

In my career, I usually tell someone once a year it’s ok to let other people be wrong.  It isn’t necessary to have the upper hand in the conversation.  Our opinion is just an opinion.  The benefits of building a worthwhile relationship far outweigh the need to be right. 

Step One:  Be aware you are doing it.  Listen to yourself when you talk to others.  Once you become aware of it, it’s easy to address.

Step Two:  Pause.  Think before you say anything.  You’ll be amazed at how effecting a split-second pause can be in resetting your impulse to get the upper hand in the discussion.  

Step Three:  Pick a different word choice.  Acknowledge the other person’s contribution which gives you a moment to think.  Then ask a question or offer something constructive.

Two simple words which don’t contribute much to a conversation and when used can put you in a bad light.  Yeah, you can use “yeah, but…”, but you’ll not help yourself or your point of view.

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